Thanksgiving has passed so we can talk about Christmas now. And by Christmas, I mean the celebration of the birth and life of Jesus of Nazareth. If that offends you, please leave the room and go fuck yourself.
Maybe you are sitting alone, reading this by yourself. I don’t care. Get up, find a different room, and go fuck yourself.
I am not going to tell you that you need to be a Christian. I don’t care what your faith is or isn’t. If you are a Christian, just keep quiet because there is a good chance that I will disagree with the next thing that comes out of your mouth.
If you are a Muslim, great. Muslims follow Jesus too. Merry Christmas, Muslims.
Yes Muslims do. Read the Qu’ran and shut the fuck up if you don’t believe me.
Jews, well you fuckers crucified him, but I forgive you. You didn’t do anything a good Christian wouldn’t do now. Jesus wasn’t a victim and neither are you or me.
Atheists, Agnostics, Militant-Vegans, Self-Worshipers, What-ever-the-fuck-you-ares, it’s you fuckers that piss me off. For each and everyone of you that bitches when someone says merry Christmas I have two middle fingers for you. Y’all are some fucking hypocrites.
Let’s say for the sake of argument, you are right. There is no Heaven or Hell. There is no rebirth. There is no tangible soul, just a network neurons firing off consciousness. You are the smart ones; you were right all along. If that is all so, then why the fuck do you care if I wish you a merry Christmas? Am I ruining your “I told you so” with my ignorance? I suppose in all fairness, if you are right, after we die you will not have the opportunity to “I told you so” me.
The problem with an “I told you so” is that it is fickle and easier to spoil than a “Go fuck yourself”.
But let’s talk about Jesus a minute. Whether you are a follower or not, whether you believe all the hype, we know that Jesus was a real dude that had some legal trouble. It doesn’t matter if you believe the whole immaculate conception story, his existence was documented. Besides the Gospels, which I believe to be relatively historically accurate, the motherfucking Romans kept really good records.
We know that Jesus was a traveling preacher. We know that he preached love and equality. He had the ability to put things in perspective and to help others see the world from different points of view. He was not afraid to speak out against the government and was a major critic of the church.
In twenty-first century terms, the church had gotten too commercial and was exploiting it’s congregation. Jesus and his dudes were in town to celebrate Passover, but what they found was the church turning out pay-day loans. It wasn’t that Jesus didn’t like a good party. The Gospels are full of stories from the parties. Those fuckers put the wine away, and likely couldn’t remember half the shit they did most of the time. They partied with hookers and low-lifes. They were humble and helped those in need.
Assuming the Atheists are correct, I can still argue that Jesus was a good dude and worthy of celebrating. I think most Atheists could too. Since the only conceivable reason for a non-religious person to not be a shit-heel and to live their life with a sense of morality is to have empathy for others, I would expect the teachings of Jesus to be popular.
I know a lot of non-Christians celebrate Christmas. A lot of people of no faith do, and I hope these are not the same ones that are worried about me saying merry Christmas. One self-described Agnostic I know told me that she and her family went and picked out their Christmas tree this weekend. Now I don’t give a fuck if she has decided that an adopted Pagan symbol of life persevering in the face of death is a better way to represent Jesus than a wooden replica of the cross that he was hung from and executed by. I don’t give a fuck if Santa Claus breaks into her house and leaves shit for her kids. Forget even the fact that teaching children that they must demonstrate appropriate morality (being good) or this all-knowing, omnipotent being (Santa Claus) will either reward them (presents) or punish them (coal) is exactly what religion is, and is therefore a contradiction to Agnostic values.
My problem is that Christmas–the Festival of Jesus–is without Jesus. It’s like not being invited to your own birthday party. It’s like eating a smoked ham to fast for Ramadan–it just doesn’t make any fucking sense.
Since I am a follower of Jesus, I will be forgiving of your ignorance. I will not call your bullshit when you hand out the family Christmas cards at the office “Winter” or “Holiday” party. I won’t ruin your X-Mas that is void of all religious relics or influence by pointing out that “Santa” isn’t a dude’s name, but a Latin word that means “holy” or “divine”.
But since I am a follower of Jesus, I am also not going to enable your ignorance either. I will not be camping in front of Best Buy in order to get the new iPhone. I will not be bullshitting my child about why we celebrate Christmas. If your butt gets hurt that I am saying merry Christmas, I will be asking you to leave the room and go fuck yourself.
So merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa. Happy Boxing Day. Happy New Year. Happy Chinese New Year. Allah akbar. Happy Diwali. And happy goddamned birthday, because taking Christianity out of Christmas is also taking the Lord’s name in vain.
Now, Jesus and I have some Christmas parties to go to.
Hey Asshole 